The Aquabats! Super Show!
(We begin with white text on a black background. The G-man is reading it) G-man (V.O): The following is a review of a kids’ series. However, the commentary is nothing but kid-friendly! If you’re under 18 and haven’t heard the word "Fuck" before… Well, you have now. Sorry! (The text fades before the intro plays. When it ends, we cut to the G-man at his desk in his room) G-man: Hello, everyone! I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that. It’s another requested episode this one’s from a FANDOM user called The Legendary Jaden 14.; the same fan that requested Eddie Eagle and Peppermint Park. This time, they requested a whole lot of "What the fuck?" with the Aquabats Super Show! (The main theme starts as clips from the show begin to play) G-man (V.O): The Aquabats are a kid’s band that originated on another weird children’s show called Yo Gabba Gabba. They got so much attention; the creators decided to make a show based around these weirdos. The result? A show that combines music and whatever drug was popular at the time. (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: The show lasted for three seasons, and 21 episodes including the pilot. It even had guest stars like Paul Sheer, and Weird Al Yankovic! So, we’ll be looking at the first three episodes. Well, let’s get ready for the nightmares, this is the Aquabats Super Show! (Cut to the first episode) G-man (V.O): First of all, can we talk about the opening? This has to be the most hyped-up kids’ show theme I ever saw! Well, right behind every 90s show ever. Commander: Thank you, homeys! (Cut) And now, if you’re ready… (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Wait! (He reaches offscreen and pulls out a bong) Proceed. (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Each episode has a real-life segment, and a cartoon segment. To keep this review simple, we’ll only be reviewing the real-life segments. Our first episode is Tortilla Troubles. I can already tell that this’ll be a doozy. We see the Aquabats on vacation when Jimmy the Robot sees two kids in trouble. (He waits a while before he speaks again) Did I really just say all that? Jimmy: Aquabats come in, there’s two kids in trouble. (Cut back to the G-man laughing) G-man: Wow, dude! How nonchalant! Thanks for remaining calm in the blandest situation ever! (Cut back to the episode) Narrator (V.O): Ricky Fitness, using his power to run fast, begins to run around the strange-looking creature while Jimmy the Robot, using his trusty jet pack, floats up and blasts the monster with a laser ball. G-man (V.O): Wait, what? Narrator (V.O): Meanwhile, back on the hill, Crash Mclarson and the Bat Commander battle for their lives. G-man (V.O): Hold up, I- Narrator (V.O): EagleBones FalconHawk uses the power of his guitar’s electracy to send the monster a super shock. G-man (V.O): TIME OUT! (A record scratch is heard before we cut back to the G-man) G-man: I have several questions! Where do these powers come from? Why does the guitar blast electricity? Why is the monster stacking the kids? You can’t just throw us in and expect us to believe everything we see! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Well, somehow, they defeat it. But not before this: (The monster pukes up beans onto the Commander) Ew… Crash: Commander, you okay? Commander: Ugh! Yes, I’m fine. Totally fine! The question is: What was that thing? Boy (In Mexican accent): He looked like a giant tortilla! Commander: He did look like a giant tort- Kids, are you okay? Boy: Yes. Thank you for saving us! But, where did the tortilla go? G-man (V.O): Well, those are words I never thought I’d hear a Mexican boy say! Anyway, they come to the conclusion that they need to build a giant heat laser to cook the Giant Tortilla. And after a brief song number, it’s almost completed. But as that’s happening, the Giant Tortilla falls into some toxic waste. Making it grow to size of Godzilla’s dinner. (An explosion is heard before we cut back to the G-man) G-man: Holy hell! All that bullshit destroyed the Bullshit Detector! (He sighs) Well, back to eBay… (Cut back to the episode) Ricky: Hey, Commander! It got a lot bigger! (The text "Thanks, asshole!" pops up for a brief moment) Commander: Yes, it did! But how? Ricky (Shrugging): Don’t look at me! (A laugh track is heard as we cut to a title card with Ricky on it next to light blue text reading “God Damnit, Ricky!”) G-man (V.O): God Damnit, Ricky will return after these messages! (Cut back to the episode) Narrator (V.O): As the Giant Tortilla makes its way closer to the small village, it launches its toxic guacamole! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: …Is that a metaphor? (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): The Aquabats fire the heat laser at the Giant Tortilla, and it turns into a hard shell. They fly the BattleTram, that’s their vehicle of choice, at it, destroying it in the process, and then they eat its remains. You know, for kids! Boy: Thank you for saving us, Aquabats! Commander: Well, we couldn’t have done it without you, kids! Now all we need are some tasty beverages! Ricky: Tasty Beverages? I’m on it! (He runs off) Boy: Where is he going? Commander: I don’t know, son. But I miss him already! (Cut back to the G-man banging his head on his desk. After a few bangs, we cut to the second episode) G-man (V.O): The second episode is called ManAnt. From this episode and onward, it uses a different theme than the one we saw in the pilot. Also, it gives us a recap of what happened in the previous episode. But seeing as how its never relevant, we’ll skip them. It opens with the Aquabats getting an alert that a fast food restaurant is under attack. What’s it called? Commander: That looks like its coming from the Burrito Brothers’ Burger Hut! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Let be get this straight: Two brothers that have the last name Burrito, have a burger place. One sec… (He pulls out his iPhone and dials an anonymous number. After a dial tone, a female voice is heard from the other line) Voice: We’re sorry. The number you are trying to reach, Aquabats Logic, is nonexistent. (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): Upon arrival, our heroes are too late as the burger joint is already destroyed. The firemen there give them a strange card with the word ManAnt on it. then Jimmy informs everyone that Tiny Burgers is also under attack. On the way there, we get this bullshit: Commander: Getting weak… Weaker… Jimmy, what’s wrong with me? (Cut to a bit later in the episode) Jimmy: It’s low energy, Commander. Your blood sugar levels have hit dangerously low. Commander: Speak English, robot! English! Jimmy (In British accent): It’s low energy, Commander. Your blood sugar levels have dipped frightfully low. (Cut back to the G-man facepalming) G-man: Did they really go for that joke? (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): After a commercial break, the Aquabats reach their destination and fight a bunch of baddies. One of them dropping a DVD. The heroes go back to the BattleTram to watch it; however, Crash gets tricked and is kidnapped by the baddies. Meanwhile, the antagonist of the episode is revealed: A half man, half ant known as… (He sighs) ManAnt. Could they not have picked a better name? Who else is stupidly named in this universe? (Cut to a sketch with the G-man kicking down a door while dressed as an Aquabat. He encounters a figure in a chair with their back towards him) G-man: I’ve got you now! Figure behind chair: I’ve been expecting you. For I am… (He turns around to reveal the G-man’s father in a mad scientist costume) The Always Expecting! G-man (Unamused): Seriously? That’s your whole gimmick? What are your plans? Spoiling the end of Avengers: Endgame? AE: Aha! I was expecting you to say that! Because- G-man: Fuck this, I’m going back to culinary school! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): We see Crash buried in sand when ManAnt approaches him. (ManAnt turns out to be incredibly small) Wow, looks like all they have to do is step on him and the episode’s over! It’s revealed that ManAnt has beef with Crash. As revealed in a flashback, he wishes for a small villain for his action figures to fight from a genie played by Rip Taylor, and now he wants revenge for abandoning him, and… And… (Cut back to the G-man looking confused) G-man: And I just realized this sounds incredibly stupid when I say it out loud. (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): ManAnt steals Crash’s power to grow large. Making the villain grow to human size. And then for some bizarre reason, he turns Crash’s emotions into some liquid so he can make real ants grow large as well. ManAnt: Together, we will create a mighty ant army and crush all mankind! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man (As ManAnt): Let’s see them handle a magnifying glass! Payback, assholes! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): The other Aquabats arrive, and then another cartoon starts. It has no point whatsoever, it doesn’t tie into the plot, and when its over, its never mentioned again. So once again, we’ll skip it. After its over, the Aquabats free Crash who tells them where he saw ManAnt. Meanwhile, ManAnt as his minions scare away some picnickers, and the Aquabats show up to stop him. Commander: Ricky, go get the giant ant forks! Ricky: But forks make me think of food! Commander: Just do it! We’re all hungry! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: Forks? What the fuck are forks gonna do? (Cut back to the episode. Ricky brings out two giant forks) ManAnt: Forks?! (To his henchmen) Don’t just stand there, go! Go! G-man (V.O): What the fuck are you worried about? Mixed green salads? Anyway, somehow the Commander gets fed by Jimmy and he rips off one of ManAnt’s antennae. Making him lose control of the giant ants. Somehow, Crash has his power back. And grows large to kick one of the ants away. (The ant explodes in midair) Holy shit, that was brutal! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: What the hell were those ants made of? (He takes off his regular glasses and puts on some nerdy ones) A substance that explodes upon forceful impact to a hard surface? (The text "LOL Nitroglycerin Joke" pops up with a ding sound effect before we cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): ManAnt falls off a cliff, again, for kids, and while destroying a giant anthill, Crash finds a whole bunch of burgers. That’s where episode two ends. (Cut to episode three) Our third and final episode for today is called Mysterious Egg. Well, here we go! It opens with the Aquabats fighting some monster with mechanical tentacles when Jimmy uses some kind of finger lasers to blow it up. This makes the others understandably upset. Ricky: Did you blow that guy up? EagleBones: Jimmy, that was hardcore! Jimmy: It was? But that thing was dangerous, I thought we were trying to destroy it! Crash: Well, I was just gonna punch him a couple of times. Commander: We were gonna take it back to the zoo. G-man (V.O as Jimmy): But didn’t it try to strangle a guy? (As Commander) Well, he was the producer for Caillou. (In normal voice) Anyway, the other Aquabats begin to make fun of Jimmy, forgetting that he might be made by Skynet, when they find a giant egg. Oh, but not before a cartoon. Again; skip! Crash: That’s a weird looking rock. Commander: It could be an egg. Jimmy, scan it and see if it’s an egg. Jimmy: It’s definitely an egg. Commander: Did you scan it? Jimmy: Nope. Commander: Scan it! (Cut to a bit later in the episode) Jimmy: It’s still an egg, and I detect there’s life inside! EB: Then don’t blow it up, robot! (The others except for Jimmy laugh. Cut back to the G-man laughing as well) G-man (Laughing as Jimmy): Hahaha! (He stops laughing) I knew I should’ve been like Cousin Gadget! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): After a commercial break, everyone thinks about what could be in the egg. When suddenly, it starts to hatch. Releasing a giant- (Cut to a still-frame of the giant baby bird) WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! (Cut to a commercial break) No, you can’t do that! You can’t give us a scare and then go to commercials! Give us context! (Cut to after the commercial break) Nonetheless, it escapes and we get this bit of stupidity: EB: What’s your problem, Jimmy? I had a clear shot! Commander: Yes, and why did you let him go?! Jimmy: I couldn’t let you harm… My baby. Other Aquabats (Simultaneously): YOUR BABY!? Jimmy: Yes. Run, Jimmy Junior! Run! (Cut back to the G-man covering his face with his hands) G-man: You’re an idiot! (Cut back to the episode) G-man (V.O): The Aquabats find "Jimmy Junior"… (Cut back to the G-man briefly) I can’t believe I said that… (Cut back to the episode) And it immediately attacks. As the Aquabats now rely on Jimmy, he has to make an important decision: Let his team die, or kill Jimmy Junior. (He runs away) The former it is. Commander: Well, I guess this is it, guys; it’s been one wild ride! Crash: I’ll see you guys in Heaven! Ricky: I’ve been thinking: Can pancakes talk in Heaven? EB: Ricky, we’ve had this conversation; pancakes can’t talk. (Cut to a bit later in the episode. Jimmy appears holding a chicken in his arms) Jimmy: Take good care of my baby. (He tosses it towards Jimmy Junior who calmly approaches it) I’m sorry, Jimmy Junior. I know now that I wasn’t cut out to be your mother. But maybe this random chicken I found on a nearby farm is. Commander: Maybe you are ready to be a mother, Jimmy. (To the audience) Part of being a parent is knowing when to let your children go. G-man (V.O): Okay, you know what? I admit it. I’m touched by this scene. And technically, it’s a downer of an ending to this episode. But hey. It teaches us that all good things must come to an end. That and Jimmy Junior is the spawn of Satan! (Cut back to the G-man) G-man: So, that was the Aquabats Super Show. What do I think? Well, honestly, I really liked it! Sure, I spoke harsh about it, but its actually funny and touching in some places. I don’t know if I’ll review more episodes, but if I do… (He holds up the bong from before) I’ve got the main essential! Well, I am the G-man, and that’s all you need to know about that! Peace! Category:Episode